I need to let you go. I need to let go of who you were and who I want you to be. I love you. I love all that you were, and a grieve for all you could be.
My therapist could never understand why I defend you. Always. I've always defended your actions, your mood swings, your hard, cold life lessons at too early an age. I've defended your decision to stay with an abusive husband, even after he abused me.
If your mind was still healthy, you would recognize this was the highest form of respect I could show you. Instead, you have screamed how disrespectful I am. You have put words in my mouth, you have projected your own insecurities through my voice. You have said I'm not your daughter. You have broken my heart.
If your mind was still healthy, you would see how much I need you. How much I need my mother's love and acceptance. How much I need you to say "Wow, great job! I'm impressed!" Instead you see me as a show off, a display of my superiority, I've achieved more. Instead you are jealous of everything I've accomplished. When I was little, you always said "All I want for you is the world; to have more than I ever could."
If your mind was still healthy, you would bask in the strength I've achieved through you. Instead you call me cold and calculating, admonishing me when I don't cry over your insults.
If your mind was still healthy, I could tell you these things, and you would be the mother I know you want to be.
If your mind was still healthy, I wouldn't need to tell you these things at all, because you would be one kick-ass Mom.
If your mind was still healthy, this is something you would want for me. You wouldn't want to impede my life, cause me this much pain and suffering. You would want me to be happy, healthy, and thrive.
I have to let you go because I have to love myself as I know, deep down inside, you love me. I need to protect my heart the way my mother would.
Love, Forever and Always,
Your Daughter
No comments:
Post a Comment